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Forward progress and runaway cats

Got approved for $1000 worth of repairs on my vehicle by the state. While that won't fix everything, from what little I understand about cars and what's wrong with mine, that's definitely a great start.

Almost finished with my training for work, hoping to start regular hours next week. Depends on the daycare assistance situation (which is currently a big mess right now, this person needs to talk to this person...etc etc) which if it's not figured out by the end of the day today, I'll be without a daycare and have to start from scratch. Either way, though, I think I'm going to try to work some late-night stuff while Damon sleeps. I tend to be up until 2-3am these days anyway, so it's not much of a shift to stay up all night - especially if he's in daycare during the week and I can sleep some while he's gone.


Started working on my tax return last night. That $6000 trip for two to Costa Rica saved my butt, let me tell you. It put me up into the income bracket for the child credit, and other than having to pay "self-employment taxes", I'm getting back a pretty good amount that I can put toward OVERDUE BILLS and PAYING PEOPLE BACK WHO HAVE HELPED ME. And then leaving a sizeable amount in the bank for emergencies.

It's going to feel good to not live off of pennies anymore. A job, money in the bank. I'll feel rich!


So, my apartment is set up in such a way that none of the windows open except the one in the bedroom, and there's of course no screen on it. Since getting my cats, I haven't been opening it because Penny (the oldest/first cat) has always been a "flight risk", in that she has always been curious about the open door whenever we come in and out. I've been concerned about her leaving without realizing "hey it's damn cold out here".

The other day I cracked the window finally, needed to circulate the air in here... I've been getting sick (still am) and having to use breathing treatments and inhalers every day to ward off asthma attacks. I think once the heater kicked in due to the cold weather, all that dust and whatever that was in the vents started bugging me. So yeah, cracked the window. Not even two inches wide. Took Damon to daycare and came back. No Penny. I've left the window cracked open during the day (closed at night because it gets damn cold), left food out, hoping for a sign of her return. No Penny. :(

The remaining cat, Mimi, is totally content. I'm kind of surprised, since she was Penny's shadow since the day I got her as a rescue. But since Penny left, Mimi's been way more approachable and lovey. As the second cat, she was shy and would hide under furniture/etc for the longest time and very rarely would let me hold her.

So now, I'm torn. I miss my baby girl, she was my snuggle buddy and slept with me all the time. But maybe the cats didn't get along as well as I thought they did? Idk. I'm still hoping she comes back, but my hopes are somewhat less now after seeing a DIFFERENT cat eating the food I left out this morning. I had thought/hoped the missing food every morning meant she had been by... :(

Feeling unexcited

I remember the days when things used to really excite me. I had things I really enjoyed, and things I was really passionate about. Topics I wanted to study, subjects I loved to learn about just because they were interesting, books I fell in love with... things to talk about with other people.

I've found in the last few years, since before having Damon but definitely even moreso now, I have lost all passion in my life. Nothing excites me. There's nothing that I want to do/accomplish/learn about. I'm not driven to do "better things".

I'm so caught up in the day-to-day survival and menial crap, that I've forgotten the key part to being human - LIVING my life. Enjoying it. Getting excited. Having opinions. Having things to talk about with people - what I like, what I do in my free time (nothing, currently), what my goals in life are.

You want to know why I'm single? It's not because I'm a single mother (although that has it's drawbacks when it comes to dating, sure), it's because I'm BORING. Who gets excited about someone who is (A) fat to begin with, but also (B) has no goals other than making things better financially, working toward stressing less, and being able to feed/clothe/keep a roof over her kid's head? "What do you do in your spare time?" Uhm... I watch cartoons with my 2 year old and stress about money. I mean, really, that would set me running for the hills, so I don't exactly blame them!

I don't necessarily want a boyfriend, anyway. That's not the point. Sure, having some friends would be nice, having people to talk to occasionally other than my 2 year old would be VERY nice, but my point is I'm bland, boring, and I don't know how to change it.

How do you re-acquaint yourself with the part of your brain you've shut yourself out of for so long you've forgotten how to have fun? I don't know where to start, all I know is this is something that needs to change.

One more step forward

Yesterday morning I got an email that my background check for the work-at-home job I was waiting for had come back clean (of course!), and I could begin training.

So I spent a few hours doing that yesterday, and I've been working on it again today. I'd like to get it done ASAP so I can start working ASAP.

I dropped off financial aid application paperwork today for potentially getting my car fixed AND for getting help with childcare costs. Car might take up to two weeks to hear about, but I should know about the daycare within a day or two - which is perfect because come Friday afternoon, I need to be able to pay for next week's care and I don't have the money for it. Cross for fingers for me that it gets approved - it would be one less thing on my shoulders for now until the rest of my life catches up.

I can't even explain how much even just a LITTLE bit of positive momentum and potential good news has totally changed my mood lately. I'm still BEYOND stressed, still having major sleep issues... but instantly that feeling that all efforts are useless and futile, that nothing is ever going to change, that all I will do in my life is FAIL FAIL FAIL... yeah, that feeling is a little smaller now.

Deep big sigh of relief, and trudge on forward.
Welcome, 2015.

2014 was the hardest, most emotionally painful year of my life. I ended 2014 and have gone into 2015 in my lowest of lows. I've honestly gotten into the "it can't get any worse" mindset.

I actually said that to myself several times in the last few months... and then it HAS gotten worse. It's such a long story, perhaps worth retelling but I've told it so many times and it's only full of pain and heartache. Long long long story short, I'm now in a city with no local friends and family, just me and Damon. I've had and lost jobs. I had a vehicle, then the transmission went. I struggle to pay rent, utilities, daycare.

There hasn't been a lot of forward momentum, and certainly nothing "positive" to use as motivation to keep fighting through all the difficulties.

However. I do believe I can SAFELY say the worst is now behind us. I have some things I still need to figure out - like how to pay my internet bill before it gets shut off (which is actually vital because I have an internet-based job soon to start), and how to pay for D's childcare for the next couple weeks until I have a paycheck - but at least there IS a job offer, other job interviews scheduled, and the state of Texas is finally getting off it's ass and helping me.

I had a meeting today that landed me with an application for financial assistance to help get my car fixed while I job hunt (which I qualify for because I get food assistance/Medicaid from the state), a free bus pass in the meantime, and an application for daycare assistance to see if my daycare costs will get covered as well by the state until I am working regularly again.

^^ That is the first set of positive, momentum-building information I've had in MONTHS. Since September, it's really just been a downhill battle. I just really hope both of those applications will work out for me. It would completely turn things around for me and D. We need to catch a break.

I've gained so much weight in the last few months, from stress I'm sure. My health has deteriorated a lot. In the last month or so I've been attempting to go to a gym, workout at home some, but I haven't stayed consistent with it. I wish I had local friends or something - a gym buddy, someone to push me.

It doesn't help that I feel so alone, and in the last few months I've strained all of the important relationships in my life due to all my financial issues/burdens. I have a lot of paybacks and pay it forwards to do when life gets more manageable. I hope in time people will speak to me again without hesitation or dread.

Anyway, no pity parties. This is the situation I've been dealt. I've spent enough time depressed and crying over it. Like I said, things are looking up (albeit just a little bit), and this post is to say with new positive life outlooks means I need to work on a new positive mental outlook.

I've been spending too much time "inside my own head" - a lot of that due to just sheer lack of social interaction with anyone other than a 2 year old. Too much of that is not good for anyone, and doubly so for myself. I'm a loner, but I still need acknowledgment once in a while that other adults know I exist and have feelings/etc. Point is, maybe "getting out of my head" will help me. Put my thoughts back to LiveJournal, even if no one else reads them. Just de-fog my head from all this banter.

Welcome, 2015. It can only go up from here.


Hello, Livejournal.

It's been a long time. A lot of life has changed.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and I recently decided maybe a written outlet would do me good again.

I'd like to refresh this account - delete all the old stuff and start over. Does anyone know if that's possible to do in one fell swoop, not having to delete years of individual posts?

Do any of my friends still use LJ? lol... guess I'll find out.

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Scribble outside the lines
Melissa S. Masucci

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January 2015


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